Therapy for
intimacy seekers:
the race against
the clock
Back when “work hard, play hard” defined you...
You comforted yourself with the rationalization that there would be time for love and family later on, and that building your career and gaining security is what mattered the most. But now, as the second-hand ticks closer to the hour and your next birthday looms, you wonder if that was just another lie of survival.
Maybe you were just naïve...
To believe the glossy magazines and keynote female speakers that you really could have it all. Right now, when the work day ends, all it seems you have are hours to waste half-heartedly watching My Big Fat Fabulous Life, and swiping left on the countless undesirable potential partners.
Seriously, if you have to see...
One more guy in a speedo, grinning and proudly holding up his fish, you really may just resign to becoming the cat lady. Maybe your grandma was right after all, and you should have focused more on dating than your career in your 20s.
Your beautifully filtered life on Instagram hides what you fear is a pathetic reality.
Take tonight, for instance...
Most would think #selflove as they see you cuddled up in the warmth and softness of your favorite blanket, half-dozing as yet another episode of 90 Day Fiancé plays in the background.
Few would see how alone you feel.
You feel a little silly, but you close your eyes and let yourself daydream of some future partner mindlessly playing with your hair. You’ve gotten so good at this game of make-believe, that you can almost feel the tug and accompanying wince, as you imagine a strand or two gets caught on his wedding ring.
You know exactly where you’d hang your wedding photo, and just how awful the cake from the freezer would taste on your first anniversary. What’s harder to imagine is the trust that would run through your body, as he pulled you closer. More impossible still is to conjure up just exactly what it would feel like to be loved—worthy and desired, intimately known inside and out.
Then someone shouts loudly. With a jolt, you realize the TV is still playing, and lovers are arguing. Their fighting makes it easier to ignore how your fantasy gave way to your stomach starting to churn, and your whole body beginning to tighten with fear. The noise lets you forget you had felt the urge to run.
You’re too smart to hide
from the truth: you’re
scared of being known
inside and out.
You’re too smart to hide from the truth: you’re scared of being known inside and out.
And that is why sleep eludes you more and more. It’s because of this intense inner conflict that tears you apart and breaks you down more with each passing day.
For so many years, you’ve colored between the lines, never straying from the familiar confines of external, predictable accomplishments that are under your control.
But now that worn-out comfort has betrayed you, leaving you terrified you’ll never find true happiness.
You’ve endlessly searched for answers in Brene Brown books. Mindfulness and self-compassion float around your mind like ubiquitous companions, without concrete or practical translation to your everyday life.
As eagerly as you open them, you disappointedly close them with a sigh, realizing yet another has failed to inspire lasting change. The promising descriptions give way to hollow and empty words that have no substantial meaning in your life.
Leaving Behind Loneliness and Embracing Intimacy
Leaving Behind Loneliness and Embracing Intimacy
You get it—you don’t need convincing.
You need therapy, not another dating app.
But you get stuck in figuring out how to find the right therapist. Even just thinking of it fills you with overwhelm. In fact, it feels similar to the awareness of the ticking of your biological clock that never seems to miss a beat.
You can’t afford to keep putting this off. And you’re scared you’ve already put it off too long.
Therapy is...
→ A journey rooted in trust
& curiosity.
→ Empowerment to make your own decisions.
→ An opportunity to cultivate lasting change.
→ Being truly seen & heard.
Therapy isn't...
→ A list of bullet points thats tell you how to find happiness.
→ Advice-giving.
→ A quick fix or a Band-Aid.
→ Venting or chit-chatting.
Life can be so hard, in both expected and unexpected ways. So often due to childhood abuse, hurtful experiences, and unhealthy relationships, we find ourselves broken into pieces.
Our external success serves as a hollow box that securely holds the parts of us, yet it leaves us with a haunting sense of incompleteness. Deeply buried pieces of your pain may emerge at times, revealing their truths, only to again disappear beneath the surface.
Then you return to feeling lost and unclear, unsure of what lies beneath the old, familiar feelings you have struggled with for so long. Therapy offers a chance for us to piece you together, revealing the full picture of who you really are, beyond the brave face you show the world.
Opening the Box:
Discovering Your Hidden Places
Opening the Box:
Discovering Your Hidden Places
As the years pass by, you’ve neatly tucked away pieces of your experiences. Buried and dusty, pushed to the back of your mind, they lie patiently, waiting to be gathered.
You would give anything to transform your pain and feel ready for the healthy romantic relationship you secretly long for. You desperately wish you knew how to make sense of it all—to understand where you’ve been, how you got here, and where you’re going. You fear that if you don’t figure it out soon, time will run out, leaving behind you and your dreams of starting a family.
As our connection grows, we carefully peel back the layers of your heart. The pieces of the puzzle reveal themselves, as we gently explore your story. With compassion, we hold and gently bring to light the faded Polaroid pictures of long-forgotten and dismissed days.
Gathering the Puzzle Pieces:
Exploring How You Became You
Gathering the Puzzle Pieces:
Exploring How You Became You
While gazing at the pieces we’ve carefully gathered, you uneasily think, “What now? So what? What’s the point of sharing these raw and painful places?”
You can’t quite see how the painstaking work of gathering these disjointed fragments of your experience will make an impact on your longings and fears.
You start to wonder if you’re hopelessly stuck and unable to have successful relationships. You secretly question if therapy will end up in the pile of things you’ve tried, discarded, and left unfinished, fallen by the wayside.
We start with the edges of the puzzle and work toward the center. As we tenderly put each piece in place, you begin to see more clearly how they form a coherent image. We follow the threads of your experience back, starting with what’s happening in the moment, and stopping off at various points along the way, until we arrive at the root.
Putting the Pieces Together:
Making Sense of It All
Putting the Pieces Together:
Making Sense of It All
When thinking back on your past, your experiences seem scattered and jumbled. Trying to articulate your story, you don’t even know where to begin forming the letters into the words, paragraphs, pages, and chapters of your life.
You begin to experience welcomed relief as the weight of the hidden, buried aspects of yourself begins to lift; as you are seen, heard, and understood. Feeling the burden ease since uncovering and sharing your deepest, forgotten, and neglected places, you wonder, “Is this it? Am I done with therapy?”
I will gently guide you, using the ever-increasing revelation of the history of your past, and the ever-increasing deepening of our relationship, as a map. We don’t have to figure out the exact destination ahead of time. Instead, we stay curious; with each step, continuing to build on the intimacy of our relationship on this journey inward.
Envisioning the Complete Picture:
Coming Out of the Darkness
Envisioning the Complete Picture:
Coming Out of the Darkness
Sometimes you wish you could just push a button or flip a switch and be healed. You’re so ready to step into the life you’ve only recently felt worthy of, and dared to realistically imagine, breathing it into life with shape and form.
Yet even as the path seems long, you take another step, keeping your gaze steady, with unwavering consistency and dedication. In place of the tension that has always gripped you so tightly, you breathe more deeply, feeling your chest expand, as you gaze across the vast expanse of time.
You notice yourself standing taller, giving rise to the dreams you’ve previously discounted and neatly tucked beneath the pile of shallow comfort you’ve hidden behind.
What you previously saw from a distance as hopelessly disjointed shards, you begin to see in a new light as you get closer. Now you begin to see how the pieces fit together, and how this reveals previously hidden understanding and connections.
Your seemingly jagged shards lose their harsh edges as they are met with pieces of my empathy and kindness in therapy. Those sharp pieces that once cut you up inside start to feel less rough. In fact, you notice that you start to feel softer inside.
Embracing Wholeness:
Integrating the Fragments
Embracing Wholeness:
Integrating the Fragments
Your heart no longer feels like a jumbled, confusing puzzle collecting dust in a rarely used closet. Instead, you can see the connections between all these parts of you. Truths reveal themselves, replacing the lies you’ve believed about yourself and your relationships for so long.
You feel a growing sense of, “I got this” when you open the dating apps, rather than dread and discouragement. Confidence and a firm belief that you don’t have to compromise your desires become stronger than doubt and fear.
Swiping left begins to feel more like clearing the path toward your future partner, instead of another step toward being eternally single.
You start to feel like you deserve to be seen and take up space. You notice yourself sharing your story without putting yourself down. As you embrace this updated version of yourself, you consider the possibility that others will accept you too. As you complete this puzzle of romantic longing, you realize the potential for so much more.
Before Therapy:
Before Therapy:
- You frequently say yes, when you mean no, stretching yourself too thin.
- You secretly feel not good enough, and unlovable.
- You struggle to soothe yourself, beyond the extra glass of wine.
- You are exhausted from always trying to read others' minds.
- You shut down when you try to ask for what you need, filled with fear of rejection.
After Therapy:
After Therapy:
- You will learn to say no, when you mean no, without feeling guilty or worrying about hurting peoples’ feelings.
- You will know self-love beyond those memes on social media you mindlessly scroll past. You will learn to value yourself.
- You will expand your definition of self-care beyond your monthly mani-pedi and massage.
- You will stop wasting energy trying to read others’ minds.
- You will learn to express your thoughts, feelings, and needs without shutting down.
Hi, I’m Kirstin
Therapist, animal rescuer, heart nurturer, and hope cultivator.
I am passionate about helping women heal from trauma, so they can meet and embrace the love of their life, even when they’re scared this person doesn’t exist.
As a therapist since 2007, I’ve journeyed through the innermost places of the heart, and seen incredible freedom emerge for countless women. As a Certified Deeper Dating Mentor, I have specialized knowledge that will empower you to uncover blocks on your path to healthy intimacy.
I see you putting on a brave face for the world, with the same expert hand that perfected a killer smoky eye. Deep inside, you secretly long for someone to love you, even on day three of the flu when you look more like you’ve been on the latest season of Survivor than effortlessly chic and polished.
Even though your life looks great on social media, you work hard to filter the hot mess you often feel like. You’re ashamed to admit how scared you are of people seeing the real you—insecure and willing to settle in ways that you never thought you would in your 20s.
You’re filled with fear that you’re failing the course, when you’ve always been a straight-A student. You’ve eagerly devoured every self-help book you’ve found through late night Googling and Instagram targeted ads, but then closed each one with sinking disappointment.
You’ve even gone to a few therapy sessions, only to suspect you were talking in circles, and then slipped away with a nagging fear that maybe you were beyond help.
What you need is a therapist who can help you navigate the treacherous dating waters in L.A.
Drawing on my personal and professional experiences, I’ll partner with you to piece together how your past informs who you swipe right for, and uncover how breaking free from trauma is the key to stepping into the best version of yourself—ready for the relationship you desire.
WHO is ready
FOR THERAPY?
WHO is ready
FOR THERAPY?
You are willing to dive deep.
Curiosity about understanding your emotions is essential on your therapy journey. Even though it may be unknown and unfamiliar, you’re not afraid to discover what’s beneath the surface. Your willingness to share about these deep places requires a lot of courage and bravery. It’s not easy, but it is a gift to your future self, and your future children.
You understand therapy is not advice.
My role is not to tell you what to do. However, I will offer tools, strategies, suggestions, and feedback. Ultimately, you are responsible for making your own decisions, although I am definitely here to help you think through them and evaluate your options. Therapy is a safe space where I provide compassion, nurturing, guidance, and wisdom. It never involves criticism or judgment.
You are ready to wholeheartedly commit to therapy.
In my 14 years of experience as a therapist, and my own personal experience, I’ve found therapy is one of the most important investments you will ever make—of your time, heart, and finances. What you put into therapy is proportional to what you get out of it. You give it your all, and you open up to amazing possibilities in return.
WHO isn't ready
FOR THERAPY?
WHO isn't ready
FOR THERAPY?
You are not willing to dive deep.
Therapy is not a list of bullet points or one-size-fits-all cookbook recipes. Let’s be real: you can get that by scrolling through Instagram feeds or watching You Tube videos. Instead, therapy requires that you look closely at what you’ve been covering up.
You believe the purpose of therapy is to get advice.
Friends or family may give you advice. However, this comes with the cost of worry about disappointing or upsetting them if you don’t take the advice, or it doesn’t work. A relationship with a therapist is different from other relationships in your life, framed with boundaries to keep it safe.
You are hesitant about committing to therapy.
If you want therapy on a drop-in basis, or to come only when you feel like it, I am not the right fit for you. Although we will find a day and time that works for both of us, coming irregularly or only when it’s easy doesn’t build a foundation for deep and lasting change.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
My office is located in Encino, California. As of March 2022, I am planning to soon resume offering in-person sessions for local clients in the San Fernando Valley/Greater Los Angeles area. I am also offering virtual sessions throughout California, including for local clients who prefer it due to its convenience and flexibility.
Serving women throughout California and specializing in relationships, self-esteem, and trauma, Encino therapist Kirstin Carl is here to help you improve your mental health and find the fulfilling love life you’ve been looking for. Whether you are working through anxiety or depression, healing from childhood trauma or toxic relationships, or trying to figure out how to boost your self-confidence, Kirstin is here to take the next step with you.