It’s Sunday afternoon and you’re ready to go home. You’ve been at your parents’ house for three hours. When your mom asks if you’re staying for dinner, you say, “Sure,” and put your keys back in your bag. On the drive home that night, you’re annoyed with her for asking and with yourself for saying yes.
By the time you’re alone in the car, you know exactly what you wanted to say. It was harder to find the words when you could see how much she wanted you to stay.
If you’re trying to figure out how to set healthy boundaries in relationships, start with a moment like that. What did you want? What did you imagine would happen if you said it? The answers might tell you why a sentence as ordinary as “I’m going to head home before dinner” can feel like a bigger deal than you expected.
What is a healthy boundary in a relationship?
A boundary helps someone understand what you’re comfortable with and, when needed, what you’ll do if that limit is crossed. “Please ask before sharing photos of me” tells someone what you’re comfortable with. “If we start calling each other names, I’m going to stop the conversation and come back to it later” tells them how you’ll respond.
In a close relationship, you can also ask for something and talk through what each of you needs. “Could you text me if you’ll be home later than we planned?” is a request. If you agree to send that text, you’ve made an agreement. If you’ve been skipping dinner while you wait and decide you’ll eat at seven on nights when you haven’t heard from them, that’s a limit you can act on yourself.
This distinction matters when one person feels anxious about what the other is doing. You can tell your partner that you miss having time together or feel uneasy when plans change. Telling them they can’t see their friends is an attempt to decide for them. A conversation about how much time you each want together gives both of you a say.
Three types of boundaries and what they can sound like
Time boundaries
A friend calls after your kids are in bed and wants to talk through something that happened at work. You care about what’s going on with her. You also know that if you stay on the phone for an hour, you’ll spend tomorrow morning wishing you’d gone to sleep.
You might say, “I can talk for about fifteen minutes tonight. If we need more time, I’m free Saturday morning.” At work, you might need a conversation about which messages require an evening response and which can wait until morning. I wrote more about that in Workplace Boundaries and Burnout.
Physical and sexual boundaries
You might enjoy a hug from one person and prefer a wave from someone you’ve just met. You can move your chair back when someone sits too close or say, “I’d rather you ask before hugging me.” You can also change your mind about touch you previously welcomed.
With someone you’re dating, a physical or sexual boundary might sound like, “I’m happy to kiss, and I want to stop there tonight,” or “I want to talk about contraception before we have sex.” You can say “stop” or move away as soon as you’re uncomfortable. That’s enough on its own.
Emotional and privacy boundaries
A family member might ask about your breakup at dinner when you’d rather talk about it one-on-one. You can say, “I’d rather keep that private tonight.” If a friend shares something personal about you in a group chat, you might say, “I told you that in confidence. Please check with me before sharing it with anyone else.”
An emotional boundary can also come up when you care about someone and have little energy for a difficult conversation. You can tell a friend you’d like to hear what happened and ask if you can call tomorrow, when you’ll have time to pay attention.
Four ways to set healthy boundaries
1. Notice what you wish you’d said
Think of a recent time you said yes and wished you’d answered differently. Maybe you agreed to host the whole family again, then spent the week irritated every time someone asked what they should bring. What would have made a difference? You might have wanted someone else to host, or you might have enjoyed hosting if the gathering had ended by four.
That detail matters. “I’m doing too much” describes how you feel. “I’d like someone else to host this time” gives the other person something they can respond to. You can also notice whether you have a strong preference, something you’re willing to negotiate, or a limit you need to hold. You might be flexible about which night you see someone and firm about how late you can stay.
2. Say it in words you’d actually use
If you want to talk about something that keeps happening, it can help to bring it up at a time when you can both pay attention. If something is happening right now and you want it to stop, you can speak up in the moment.
It may help to start with the sentence you’d say to a friend. “I can come on Sunday, but I need to leave before dinner.” If you catch yourself adding three reasons why you have to leave, pause and see if the first sentence already says what you need it to say.
Sometimes you won’t know your answer right away. If your sister asks you to babysit next weekend and you feel yourself getting ready to say yes before you’ve thought about it, try “Let me check what I have going on. I’ll let you know tomorrow.” Giving yourself time to answer can help you figure out what you’re actually willing to do.
3. Decide what you’ll do if the situation comes up again
Say you’ve asked a relative to stop commenting on your body. The next time they do it, you could say, “I’m going to step outside for a few minutes if we keep talking about my weight.” Choose something you can realistically do in that situation. If the comments continue, you can step outside.
If you’re asking for a pause during an argument with a partner, it can help to say when you’ll come back. “I want to finish talking about this. I need twenty minutes to settle down. Can we come back to it at eight?” This gives you some time to think and lets your partner know when to expect you. You can use that time to notice what upset you and what you’d like them to understand when you return.
4. Pay attention to how they respond and how you feel afterward
Your mom might be disappointed you’re leaving before dinner and still say, “Okay, I’ll see you next week.” If you feel guilty on the drive home, you might be tempted to call and promise to stay longer next Sunday. Give yourself a minute to remember what she actually said. Did she ask you to make it up to her, or did you assume you needed to?
Someone might forget a limit once or need clarification about what you’re asking. Repeated pressure after you’ve said no gives you different information about the relationship. I discuss some of those patterns in my post on red flags in relationships. If you’re afraid that speaking up could lead to threats or retaliation, you can talk privately with someone you trust or reach out to a relationship abuse advocate before deciding what to do.
Why setting boundaries can feel so hard
You may know you’re allowed to say no and still feel your stomach drop when a person you love seems disappointed. When you were growing up, maybe someone went quiet for days when you disagreed with them. Or maybe you were the person everyone turned to when there was a problem, and being helpful was one of the ways you felt close to your family. Saying you’re unavailable now can bring up a fear that you’ll lose some of that closeness.
In my attachment-based therapy practice in Encino, we can slow down a specific exchange and look at what happened for you. Maybe you read a short “okay” message from your friend as anger and immediately offered to change your plans. We might talk about why you read your friend’s “okay” as “I’m upset with you” and why that made you want to change your plans to accommodate them.
Therapy for relationship boundaries in Encino and online in California
If you tend to go along with what a date or partner wants and realize later you felt uncomfortable, individual therapy for dating and relationships in Encino gives us time to look at those moments together. You can come on your own whether you’re dating, in a relationship, or thinking through a pattern you’ve noticed across several relationships.
If you and your partner want help with a conversation you keep getting stuck in, I also offer couples therapy in Encino. For example, one of you might ask for more time alone while the other hears that as a sign you’re pulling away. We can look at what each of you means and hears, and talk about how to ask for time alone and stay connected in ways that work for both of you.
I see clients in person in Encino and online throughout California. If you’d like to get a sense of how I work and see whether we might be a good fit, you’re welcome to schedule a free 30-minute phone consultation.
Avoid procrastinating
If you aren’t aware of your boundaries or you don’t establish them early on, it can lead to confusion and frustration in your personal and professional relationships. It can be hard for both parties to understand what they’re doing is inappropriate or makes you uncomfortable if you haven’t established this boundary.
Ultimately boundary setting conversations should be seen as a positive in personal and professional relationships. Hopefully, the tips above will help. You have some of those more difficult conversations and set your relationships up for success.
Kirstin Carl, LMFT
Kirstin Carl, LMFT is an Encino-based therapist specializing in attachment-based therapy for trauma, relationships, dating, and parenting. She helps clients build secure connections, break intergenerational patterns, and heal from relational wounds. Kirstin offers in-person sessions in Los Angeles and online therapy throughout California.
